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Sunday, April 06, 2008

Top Hundred Eleven Reasons Why I Became A Poet

No, not me - my MySpace friend Jaey (reposted with permission):

The following, in no particular order, are the top hundred eleven reasons why I became a poet. Feel free to use any or all of these as an excuse to compose a verse of your own! (Void where prohibited! Not recommended for children under five!) © J.E. Peele

1. Groupies
2. My TV is broken
3. Mom said I shouldn’t
4. Befuddling telemarketers is fun
5. I wrote a poem once and it felt good
6. Publish one hit poem and you’re set for life
7. Someone once said I look like a poet
8. I was dropped on my head as a baby
9. Falconry is cost prohibitive
10. Ice fishing is too seasonal
11. Women want me - men want to be me
12. I don’t believe in the number that people say comes just after twelve
14. I’m sorry... what was the question?
15. Researching my erotic prose
16. You know what they say about sex with a poet, don’t you?...
17. Explains all that time I spend in book stores
18. I have done everything else
19. Trust fund not empty yet
20. Because it’s there
21. No drug testing
22. Open mike nights
23. I’m too old for law school
24. It explains the aluminum foil headgear
25. Vegans really respect my dedication
26. Not enough math credits for rocket science
27. If I stop writing poetry, something BAD will happen
28. It pays better than cloud counting
29. Politicians find me annoying, I like that
30. Bag ladies give me things
31. Poetry is the new retro
32. Malice aforethought
33. Poet action figures
34. For the sympathy
35. One perfect sunset
36. It runs in the family
37. Paying bills is overrated
38. The voices in my head tell me so
39. Explains the ebullient vocabulary
40. Offending extemists can be fun
41. I can only sell platelets twice a week
42. Voting is easy - straight Green ticket
43. A poetic license looks good framed
44. I haven’t heard back from the NBA
45. Being understood is overrated
46. It explains the wardrobe
47. Black is slimming
48. Farming is smelly
49. No experience necessary
50. Appropriate dress includes sandals
51. Legendary retirement benefits
52. I can be my own biggest fan
53. "Poet" looks better on a resume than " Loquacious Word Monger"
54. It doesn’t matter. Nothing does...**(SIGH)**
55. Torch wielding mobs
56. Why not?
57. Advice from the homeless
58. Annual Poets Union conventions
59. Standardized rehabilitation
60. If one is to be ignored, it should be for something special
61. The training includes internship in the great capitals of Europe
62. Everyone thinks I don’t care what anyone thinks
63. My character flaws improve my market share
64. If you are confused, then my work here is done
65. It’s a ground floor opportunity
66. You don’t have to know anything
67. You can make stuff up
68. It doesn’t have to make sense
69. It doesn’t even have to rhyme
70. Good poetry is cheaper than "ganja", and easier to find
71. In my world, the sky is cerulean
72. It explains the nudity
73. I’m overqualified for McDonalds
74. Sun-kissed butterflies
75. I needed a secret identity
76. The witness protection program is seriously underfunded
77. I can do it with a pencil- on a napkin- by candlelight
78. The derision of the majority has a perverse appeal
79. Ribbons, Trophies, and Certificates of Appreciation
80. I promised to use these powers for good; not evil
81. Free pie with every poem (not available in all locations)
82. Associating with Bohemians, Beatniks, Hippies, and Liberal Artists
83. The occasional word of praise
84. Most of the laws against it have been repealed
85. Explains the pretentiousness
86. It’s not "derivative", it’s "homage"
87. I don’t know; I was really drunk at the time
88. Poets are no longer hunted for their pelts
89. I have a black belt in haiku
90. Poets are better than normal people
91. I am fond of feathery phrases formed on fictitious foundations
92. Roses ARE red, and violets ARE blue; there is no further need to discuss it with you
93. People with real jobs get all jealous
94. Logic hurts my head
95. A royal household might make me their Imperial Poet
96. Lost my job, lost my girlfriend, lost my mind
97. I am surrounded by a poetic aura
98. There is just too much violence in modern professional chess
99. Calliope, Clio, Erato, Euterpe, Melpomene, Polyhymnia, Terpsichore, Thalia, and Urania
100. You sane people don’t know what you’re missing
101. Incomprehensible literary onanism holds a perverse appeal
102. Violets are purple and roses pale yellow; though I mean no offense to that earlier fellow
103. Certain forms of poetry require three naked people
104. I am the reincarnation of "Billy the Quill" Shakespeare
105. My high school guidance counselor said that this is the career for which I am best suited
106. This is only until I can repair my star-ship
107. One day there will be no more poets
108. I’ve arranged to have "Orange" rhyme with hinge, flange, and strange
109. While searching for the perfect turn of a phrase, my spirit soars unbound on the wings of celestial vision
110. The critics who hate my work are small-minded weasels
111. Kudos! Kudos! Kudos!

3 comments:

  1. Hey! I remember this! How splendid of you to retain this piece for all this time. Perhaps #112 should be "It bestows a certain gentle immortality." I'll see you in the funny papers!

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    Replies
    1. Aha! Thank you for reminding me. I recall your black belt in haiku. Still training for mine.

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