It's such hard going this time! This is surprising, as in the past I've loved writing the small stones, and it's been easy to open to the world around me
I feel this problem this time has to do with Penelope's death. It was 31st December that I felt her energy around me and thought she had died, though I tried to tell myself it wasn't necessarily so. After that I was in limbo, waiting for the confirmation. When it came, I went into grief — which gave me the impetus for some better writing, if not exactly in the spirit of small stones.
Now, I have shut down the grieving because I need to go on functioning in my life. And that means I am shut down to the world around me too; it is impossible to be selective and shut down in one area but keep others alive. I need to go and have a talk with Lisa, I think. (The psychologist I was seeing for a while.) Better than keeping stuff suppressed. Must phone her and see if I need a new referral.
I already posted a note on my Small Stones blog, complaining that the process felt strange this time and that far from falling in love with the world I seemed to be taking a jaundiced view. That wasn't the half of it — I actually felt I was writing shit. When I looked back later at those pieces, they weren't so bad after all. Tonight I feel the same about the latest. Hopefully that will turn out to be better than I think, too.
But there's a withhold in it. I was writing about the spider that was in the house tonight, which, as the poem says, I 'guided' outside. I didn't say that I communicated with it telepathically and that it responded, following my instructions exactly as to how to get out, after I had first explained why that would be a good idea. Such wonderfully sentient beings, spiders — but how can I out that in a public poem, without going into a lot of explanation? And how could I explain it anyhow in a way that people could accept?
It is even a bit scary writing it here, now that I have made this blog non-private. But I tell myself no-one much will bother reading this; it won't sound interesting. I'll let it stand, though, and brave the possibility. I need to be frank abut who I am. In fact I need to post something in my Cronewyze blog about communicating telepathically with spiders and indeed all creatures — including other people. Maybe I need to write a 'how to' booklet on the subject too.